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Confession
Moshe goes to see his Rabbi. "Rabbi, last week I missed saying grace after meals."
"Why," asked the Rabbi.
"Because I forgot to wash my hands before the meal."
"That's twice you've broken the law but you still haven't told me why."
"The food wasn't kosher."
"You ate non-kosher food?" asked the Rabbi.
"It wasn't a Jewish restaurant."
"That makes it even worse," said the now angry Rabbi. "Couldn't you have eaten in a kosher one?"
"What, on Yom Kippur?"
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A Miracle
Rivkah went to her doctor for a check up. Afterwards, the doctor said to her, "I must inform you that you have a fissure in your uterus, and if you ever have a baby it would be a miracle."
As soon as she got home, Rivkah said to her husband, "You vouldn't belief it. I vent to the doctah and he told me - 'You haf a fish in your uterus and if you haf a baby it vill be a mackerel.'"
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God with Us
A Stamford Hill policeman spots two youngsters riding a motorcycle.
They are unmistakably Chassidic: yarmulke, payoth, tsitsits, the works.
He is unmistakably a bigot, so he follows them intending to catch them doing some kind of wrong.
After a long ride during which they went onto the North Circular Road and then onto many side roads, he could find nothing wrong with their driving. Frustrated, he stops them anyway.
"I have been following you two for a long time now, watching every move you made and hoping to catch you breaking the law, but you two seem to be perfect. How do you do it?"
They replied "HaShem is with us."
"That's it!" exclaimed the policeman, "Three people on a motorcycle!"
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Collecting Alms
Issy rings the bell of a very wealthy person's house in Hampstead Garden Suburb and when the owner comes to the door, Issy greets him.
"Sholom Aleichem, Mr. Goldstein. I'm collecting for the Loads of Money Yeshiva, and I'm wondering if a nice wealthy Jewish person like yourself wouldn't want to make a little contribution."
"The name is Gold, not Goldstein, and I am not Jewish."
"Are you sure?" asks Issy.
"I'm positive".
"But", says Issy, "it says here that you're Jewish and my records are never wrong."
"I can assure you that I am certainly not Jewish", replies Mr. Gold impatiently.
"Look sir, I know that my records are never wrong. You must be joking. Are you sure you aren't Jewish?" demands Issy.
"For the last time, I am not Jewish, my father is not Jewish, and my grandfather, alev hashalom, wasn't Jewish either!"
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Adam's Payment
After Adam was created, there he was, all alone, in the Garden of Eden.
Of course it wasn't good for him to be all by himself, so the Lord came down to visit.
"Adam," He said, "I have a plan to make you much, much happier. I'm going to give you a companion, a help mate for you -- someone who will fulfill your every need and desire. Someone who will be faithful, loving and obedient. Someone who will make you feel wonderful every day of your life."
Adam was stunned. "That's sounds incredible!"
"Well, it is," replied the Lord. "But it doesn't come for free. This is someone so special that it's going to cost you an arm and a leg."
"That's a pretty high price to pay," said Adam. "What can I get for a rib?"
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The Minyan
Nine male Jews are very nice, but as we all know, ten are needed for a minyan. So when the tenth person arrives, everyone is happy. But did you know that the eleventh Jew is also very important? Why is this so?
When the eleventh person enters, someone is always heard to say aloud, "Thank goodness."
The eleventh arrival always responds, "But you had a minyan already."
To which comes the reply, "You make the 'pisher' and now I can leave the room and go to the bathroom!"
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The Eulogy
Issy and Howard were brothers who had lived and worked in Golders Green all their lives. Unfortunately, nothing good could be said about them - they ran a crooked business, they womanized, they lied and they cheated the poor. But they were also very, very wealthy.
When Issy died, Howard went to Rabbi Bloom and said, "I will donate to the synagogue one hundred thousand dollars if you will say at the funeral that my brother Issy was a mensch."
The Rabbi thought long and hard but eventually agreed.
At the funeral, the Rabbi told everyone present of Issy's wrong doings. He mentioned what a downright nogoodnik this man really was.... He then closed with the sentence "But, compared to his brother, he was a mensch!"
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The Rolls Aviv!
Rabbi Levy handed in his notice, left his synagogue and opened up a Jewish bookshop. He worked very hard for several years and then decided to buy a new car. He put on a dark suit and white shirt, which looked impressive with his long beard, and went to see John, the local car dealer.
As soon as John saw him, he said, "Have I got a car for you, Rabbi!"
Levy looked at John and said, "What do you mean?"
"I mean a Rolls Aviv," said John, "a British built car with Israeli designed computerized digital commands for the religious driver. Come over here and let me show you. You won't believe your eyes. It's unique."
John opened the door of the Rolls Aviv and Levy got in.
"Notice that it has no accelerator or brake pedal," said John.
"So how do you stop and start it?" said Levy.
"Ah, that's the wonder of the Israeli computerized technology. It has a digital VMA-box that converts words into instructions the car understands. All you have to do is to speak the right words and the car will know what to do."
"I don't believe it," said Levy.
"It's true. To begin driving the car, just say, "baruch HaShem (thank God)."
And as John spoke those words, the car began to move.
Levy was frightened. "How do you stop it?"
"That's easy. Just say, 'shema yisroel', and the car will stop," said John and as he spoke these words, the car braked to a halt.
"So there it is. Say 'baruch HaShem' to start and 'shema yisroel' to stop."
Levy was so impressed, he bought the car right away. He got in, said the words, 'baruch HaShem' and soon the Rolls Aviv was heading out towards the M1 motorway. Unfortunately, Levy failed to see a sign that said, "Warning - unfinished bridge ahead. Take next turning left."
so the car continued to move at speed towards the bridge.
"Oy Vay! I'm going to crash. How do I stop it?"
Panicking, he couldn't remember what John told him. His mind was a blank and the car was quickly approaching the end of the unfinished bridge.
"This is the end of me," Levy thought and preparing for death, he started reciting the Shema. Suddenly, the Rolls Aviv screeched to a halt with half of the car tilting over the bridge. Levy removed his trembling hand from his forehead, saw how close he had come to disaster and exclaimed with conviction, 'baruch HaShem'".
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Chozzerai
Simon is a lovely 5 year old who gives his parents Maurice and Hannah much naches. Their only worry is the fact that he hasn't spoken a word since he was born. But he appears happy and bright and he always does what he is told, so they live in hope.
One day, at breakfast, Hannah realizes that they have run out of corn flakes, so she gives Simon a bowl of grapefruit segments instead. As soon as Simon puts the first spoonful into his mouth, he spits it out and shouts, "Yuck, what chozzerai. It's not nice to start the day with such bitter tasting food."
"Simon, bubeleh, you spoke," cries Hannah, "you've just said your very first words."
"Mazel Tov, son," says Maurice.
Hannah and Maurice dance around the room in joy. When they calm down a bit, Maurice says to Simon, "Why has it taken you so long to speak? You've got such a lovely clear voice and you're already quite articulate."
"Well," answers Simon, "until this morning, when you gave me this grapefruit, the food I've been getting has always been excellent."
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Terms:
Alev hashalom: (phr) "May he rest in peace," used as an interjection when referring to a man who has died (aleha hashalom is used to refer to females)
Baruch HaShem: (phr) "Thank G-d!"
Bubeleh: (n) Term of endearment ("little grandma").
Chozzerai: (n) Disgusting food; pig's food.
HaShem: (n) Hebrew. The Name (of G-d).
Kosher: (adj) (Yiddish) Ceremonially fit to eat; clean/
Mazel Tov: (phr) "Congratulations!" (orig. "good luck!")
Mensch: (n) A good man, usually said of one who leads a good, righteous, and generous life.
Naches: (n pl) Proud pleasure or joy (usually over one's (grand)children.
Oy Vay! (excl) "How Terrible!"
Payoth: (n pl) Earlocks
Pisher: (n) (Vulgar) "Pisser" - often used to refer to one who is inexperienced, but in this case, it refers to someone who is able to "relieve" the other members of the minyan.
Minyan: (n) A quorum of 10 male Jews required by halakhah to perform prescribed prayers on behalf of the entire Jewish community.
Shema Yisroel: (Yiddish) The Shema prayer.
Tsitsits: (n pl) Fringes on a Tallis (prayer shawl).
Yarmulke: (n) (Yiddish) Head covering; skull cap used for prayers.
Yeshiva: (n) Religious school for Orthodox Jews, focusing primarily on the study of Talmud and Halakhah.
Yom Kippur: (n) (Hebrew) Day of Atonement; Highest High Holiday of the Jewish calendar
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