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The Headache
Sadie goes to see her rabbi and complains about her bad kopvaitiks (headaches). "Zay is mir," she sighs. She whines, cries, and talks about her poor living conditions for hours.
All of a sudden, Sadie shouts, overjoyed, "Rabbi, your holy presence has cured me! My kopvaitik is gone!"
To which the rabbi replies, "No Sadie, it is not gone. I have it now."
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Nu?
Bush was very curious about how the Jewish people knew everything before he did. So he called the FBI and asked them to figure it out.
One week later they came back and said, "Mr. President, the Jews have something called shabbas. They meet each other at the synagogue and use a code. They sit, they pray, and there is a word that is the key to this secret.
This word is 'Nu?'. When one says to another, 'Nu?' the other tells him everything, every bit of news."
Bush wanted to see this for himself. So the FBI dressed him like a Hassid and taught him to read from the right to the left of the siddur. Bush arrived at a synagogue on shabbas and sat beside Issy. He waited for a moment, and said, "Nu?"
Issy answered, "Shah! don't talk now, Bush is coming."
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Jewish Jokes
David is telling a new joke to Yossi.
"Yitzhak and Hymie were talking one day..."
Right away, Yossi interrupts him. "Always with the Jewish jokes! Give it a rest! Why do your jokes always have to be about Jews? Just change the names to another ethnic group for once will you David!"
So David starts again, "Alkay... Hashimoto and Suzuki were talking one day at their nephew's Bar Mitzvah...."
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The Sabbath Violator
Morris and Lenny are strolling home from shul one Saturday morning. Suddenly a cab speeds past, and their friend, Irving, is running frantically behind it, flailing his arms wildly.
"Well," said Lenny, "I never imagined our good friend Irving was a Sabbath violator! Look at him running for that taxi."
"Wait a minute," Morris replied. "Didn't you read that book I lent you, 'The Other Side of the Story', about the command to judge other people favorably? I'll bet we can think of hundreds of excuses for Irving's behavior."
"Yeah, like what?"
"Maybe he's sick and needs to go to the hospital."
"Come on! He was running 60 miles an hour after that cab - he's healthier than Arnold Schwartzeneger."
"Well, maybe his wife's having a baby."
"She had one last week."
"Well, maybe he needs to visit her in the hospital."
"She's home."
"Well, maybe he's running to the hospital to get a doctor."
"He is a doctor."
"Well, maybe he need supplies from the hospital."
"The hospital is a three minute walk in the opposite direction."
"Well, maybe he forgot that it's Shabbos!"
"Of course he knows it's Shabbos. Didn't you see his tie? It was his paisley beige 100% silk Gucci tie from Italy. He never wears it during the week."
"Wow, you're a really observant! I didn't even notice he was wearing a tie."
"How could you not notice? Didn't you see how it was caught on the back fender of the taxi?"
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Jewish News
Abe is sitting on a bench in Green Park reading an anti-Semitic Newsheet. Solomon, his best friend walks by, sees the paper, and stops --- in shock.
"What are you doing reading that paper?" he says. "You should be reading the Jewish Chronicle!"
Abe replies, "The Jewish Chronicle has stories about intermarriage, anti-Semitism, problems in Israel---all kinds troubles of the Jewish people. I like to read about good news. This anti-Semitic paper says the Jews have all the money...the Jews control the banks...the Jews control the press... the Jews control Hollywood. Better to read nothing but good news!"
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The Jewish Country Club
O'Brien kept nudging Cohen to let him play at his Jewish Country Club. Cohen told him that only Jews could play golf there.
He drove him crazy for months and he finally gave in but warned him that if anyone asked, his name was Goldberg. If asked what his occupation was, he was a manufacturer. O'Brien asked what kind of a manufacturer should he be and he told him to say that he made tallis.
Sure enough, after playing 18 holes, he's approached by one of the members. He said that he hadn't seen him before and asked his name.
He replied, "My name is Goldberg."
"What do you do for a living, Mr. Goldberg?"
He replies, "I'm a manufacturer."
"What do you manufacture?"
"I make tallises."
"You know, I always wanted to know what the Hebrew letters on the neck of the tallis meant. Can you tell me?"
O'Brien said, "to tell the truth, I only make the sleeves".
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A Shreklekheh Zakh!
One day, whilst Ira Levine was out shopping in Brent Cross, he noticed an old man sitting on a bench sobbing his eyes out. Ira stopped and asked him what was wrong.
The old man said, "I have a beautiful young wife at home. She makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee."
Ira said, "Well, then why are you crying?"
The old man continued, "She makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite cake and then makes love to me for half the afternoon".
Ira asked again, "Well, then, why would you be so sad?"
The old man continued, "And for dinner she makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2 o'clock in the morning.
Exasperated, Ira yells, "Nu? why in the world would you be crying?"
"A shreklekheh zakh!" the old man replied, "I can't remember where I live!"
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Kashrut
God: And remember, Moses, in the laws of keeping Kosher, never cook a calf in its mother's milk. It is cruel.
Moses: So you are saying we should never eat milk and meat together.
God: No, what I'm saying is, never cook a calf in its mother's milk.
Moses: Oh Lord, forgive my ignorance! What you are really saying is we should wait six hours after eating meat to eat milk so the two are not in our stomachs.
God: No, Moses, listen to me. I am saying, don't cook a calf in its mother's milk!!!
Moses: Oh, Lord! Please don't strike me down for my stupidity! What you mean is we should have a separate set of dishes for milk and a separate set for meat and if we make a mistake we have to bury that dish outside....
God: Moses, do whatever you want..........
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Yiddisher Kop
Arnold and Abe are walking their dogs past the synagogue one Saturday morning.
Arnold says, "Lets go in. I hear they have really nice chopped liver at the kiddish on Shabbat."
Abe says, "they will never let us in with the dogs."
"Just follow my lead," says Arnold and goes into the synagogue.
As he thought, the shammas tells him, "No dogs are allowed."
Arnold says, "But it's my seeing-eye dog."
The shammas says, "Sorry, I didn't know. Ok, you can go in."
Abe follows.
Again the shammas says, "no dogs are allowed."
Abe says, "But it's my seeing-eye dog."
The shammas says, "This is your seeing eye dog? A Chihuahua!!"
Abe looks a bit fermisht and says, "is that what they gave me?"
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Terms:
A Shreklekheh Zakh: (phr) (Yiddish) A horrible thing!
Bar Mitzvah: (n) (Hebrew) Ceremony marking the entrance of a Jewish boy to the responsibilities of Jewish life (usually at about age 13). Bat Mitzvah is the ceremony for girls.
Fermisht: (adj) (Yiddish) Confused; Dizzy; perplexed (there are as many words for confused in Yiddish as there are for snow in the Eskimo language).
Kashrut: (n) Laws concerning dietary restrictions.
Kiddish: (n) (Yiddish) Blessing over wine on the eve of Sabbath or Festivals; hence, any ceremonial meal.
Kopvaitik: (n) (Yiddish) Headache.
Kosher: (adj) (Hebrew) Ceremonially fit to eat. Hence, acceptable; a-okay.
nu: (excl) (Yiddish) "Nu" is a word used to express expectation. At the doctor's office, for example, you can say, "Nu, so how does my heart sound?" At a restaurant, you can say, "Nu, when is our food coming already?" At a friend's coffee table you ask, "Nu, nu, so what's the news with the family?" In essence, "nu?" is an invitation to gossip.
Shabbos: (n) (Yiddish) Shabbat; from Friday at sundown until Saturday at sundown.
Shammes: (n) (Yiddish) Caretaker of the synagogue or shul.
Shul: (n) (Yiddish) Synagogue. Cheder or Bet Midrash.
Tallis: (n) (Yiddish) A prayer shawl worn by orthodox Jews at Shul. Hebrew: Tallit.
Yiddisher Kop: (n) A Jewish head; smarts.
Zay is Mir! (phr) (Yiddish) "I am pain itself!" - a melodramatic way of announcing that you are suffering from some sort of ailment.
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