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The Mikveh A Christian girl in love with a Jewish guy agrees to change her religion. She goes to a Rabbi for instructions. Rabbi: "You will learn how to light the candles, keep two sets of dishes, keep a kosher home, and a few other simple things." Girl: "That sounds easy to me. I can do that." Rabbi: "The last thing is, you must go to a mikva." Girl: "Mikva, what's that?" Rabbi: "It's a pool of water and you must immerse yourself completely for a few seconds." Girl: "I'm sorry, I have a phobia about putting my head underwater. I'll go in the pool but I can't put my head under water. Will that be all right?" Rabbi: "That will be okay. You will be mostly Jewish but you will still have a 'Goyisha kup'!"
266419 AN OLD JEWISH MAN WITH A HEAVY YIDDISH ACCENT WENT TO A HOTEL IN LONDON . WHEN HE GOT TO HIS ROOM HE CALLED THE DESK AND ASKED TO BE CONNECTED TO TELEPHONE NUMBER 266419 AFTER ABOUT 15 MINUTES THERE WAS A KNOCK ON THE DOOR . WHEN HE OPENED IT, THERE STOOD TWO YOUNG , LOVELY GIRLS . "VAT'S DIS ?" , HE ASKED. THEY ANSWERED , "YOU ASKED FOR TWO SHIKSES FOR ONE NIGHT!"
On the Sixth Day On the sixth day, G-d turned to the angel Gabriel.... "On this day, I shall create a magic land. It shall be called "Israel". It will stand as holy. Its magnificence will be known all over the world. I will choose to send to this land special people of goodness, intelligence and conviction, so the land shall prosper. I shall call these inhabitants Jews." "Pardon me, Lord", asked Gabriel, "but aren't you being too generous to these Jews?" "Eh, not really.... Wait and see the neighbors I'm giving them."
Shoes and Cokes Two Arabs boarded a shuttle from Washington to New York. One sat in the window seat, the other in the middle seat. Just before take-off a little Israeli guy got on and took the aisle seat next to the Arabs. He kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, "I think I'll go up and get a coke." "No problem," said the Israeli, "I'll get it for you." While he was gone, the Arab picked up the Israeli's shoe and spit in it. When the Israeli returned with the coke, the other Arab said, "That looks good. I think I'll have one too." Again, the Israeli obligingly went to fetch it, and while he was gone the Arab picked up the other shoe and spit in it. The Israeli returned with the coke, and they all sat back and enjoyed the short flight to New York. As the plane was landing the Israeli slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. "How long must this go on?" he asked. "This enmity between our people...this hatred...this animosity...this spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?"
Prayers for Two It's Monday morning and Nathan is in shul praying. "Oh God, please help me. I'm in terrible trouble. My shmatta business is making heavy losses; I owe $200,000 to my main supplier; the IRS is demanding immediate payment of my last two years of tax; mine Sadie is about to leave me; my …" Just then, Nathan hears the man next to him praying, "Oh God, please help me. I'm really in trouble. My older son is about to marry a shiksa; my younger son is gay, my unmarried daughter is pregnant; my wife wants a sex-change; my..." Nathan takes out his wallet and removes $100. He then turns to the other congregant and says, "Enough already of your tsuris. Here, take this money and go away. I need God to concentrate solely on me."
The Chicken Inspector Freda walks into Minkoff the Butcher's shop and asks Harry Minkoff for the freshest chicken he has. So Harry pulls out a chicken for her to inspect. Freda immediately gets to work. She starts by looking it over inside and out. She then sniffs it at both ends and continues to sniff all around it. Finally, she puts her nose inside the body cavity. Then Freda hands the chicken back to Harry and says, "You call this a fresh chicken?" "Mrs Cohen," replies Harry, "you could pass such an inspection?"
Cry for Help Abe is travelling on a bus to Chicago. It's a hot day and everyone on board is quiet and subdued. Suddenly, Abe hears what seems to him to be a cry for help from the back of the bus. He looks to find out who is making the noise and sees that it's an elderly bubbeh. "Oy, am I thirsty," she cries out, "Oy, am I thirsty." This is repeated over and over again every few minutes. "Oy, am I thirsty. Oy, am I thirsty," and each time, there is more and more pain to the bubbeh's voice. This begins to get on Abe's nerves, so he gets the bus driver to stop at the next corner and he goes to get the kvetcher a drink already. When he returns, he goes straight to the bubbeh with a bottle of mineral water and says, "Here grandma, drink up. And then be quiet, will you?" The bubbeh drinks the water, Abe goes back to his seat and the bus continues on its journey. Some passengers begin to nod off again, others start reading their newspapers and the rest are just relieved that the old bubbeh is quiet. All of a sudden they hear from the back of the bus, "Oy, am I hungry. Oy, I m hungry."
The Acceptance of Death Ever since the Jewish Chronicle printed his obituary in error, Hymie just can't get it out of his mind that he really is dead. His delusion becomes such a problem that his sons finally pay for a psychiatrist to visit him to sort him out. The psychiatrist spends many laborious sessions trying to convince Hymie that he is, indeed, still alive, but nothing seems to work. Finally the psychiatrist tries one last time. He takes some medical books with him to help him prove to Hymie that dead men can't bleed. After an hour of argument and book reading, it seems that he has finally succeeded. "So, Hymie," says the psychiatrist, "do you now agree with the medical establishment that dead men don't bleed?" "Yes," replies Hymie. "Very well then," says the psychiatrist as he pricks Hymie's finger with a pin causing it to bleed a little, "look at this. What does that blood tell you, Hymie?" "Oy vay," says Hymie, as he stares incredulously at his finger, "it means that dead men really do bleed."
"Anyone meshugge enough to call himself a Jew, IS a Jew." - Ben-Gurion
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